that she's not by my side.
that i have to hide the truth for the greater good.
that there is nothing i can do.
that everything i do might be their downfall.
that she might blame me.
that she might hate me...

(to those who reads this blog of mine,yes erm,all three of you,you might have noticed that i dont blog like other people.i dont post what happened to me minute by minute.that is boring and what you can get elsewhere.so i decided to narrate.like i am telling a story.sometimes from a first person point of view and other times,from third person.you can interpret my posts any way you like.but it is all true.it is all from my own personal experience.so happy reading.)

smile
brightens up my day
everyday
fills me up with hope
and a longing i can barely suppress
then guilt seeps in
a feeling of dread
and frustration combined
knowing there's a line
that i can't cross
yet so desperately want to
and my hope and dream
breaks and dies
along with me...

Labels: in the dark.

they trembled.
and your voice...
it quivered.
and your eyes...
how they lit up.
and yet we know...
WE CAN'T.

she is off limits
and
it is driving me crazy..
i want her badly
and
yet i know
i must stay away
.....


'silence is screaming your name'

"you're so sweet..."

and i breathed
"thanks.but erm,there's a guy with a hacksaw in his hands running towards me
with a pissed off expression on his face screaming vulgarities.:

and she stammered
"oh shhiiiitttt......that's my boyfriend.
i think this is the part where you scream like a girl and run."

and i gasped
"good idea."

i should smile more.
because she loves looking at my dimples.
-_-


any way,i just got back from my driving practical.
i think i did okay considering i haven't drove for a month.
been a hectic and exhausting week.
changed teams for every module.
UTs coming up.I should revise this weekend.
hmmm....
went to watch 'Night at the Museum 2' at EHub! last night at midnight.
as usual,raman and zz drove their cars.
then headed to east coast to eat.
don't know what my plans are tomorrow.
strangely,i am looking forward to going back to school on Monday.
hmm...

dead and gone.

probably the best team this week.

that your heart literally skipped a beat.
well guess what?
mine stopped beating...

i know YOU will be reading this.
its not your fault.
sorry for the way i have been treating you.
you have always been there through my ups and downs
and you still are.
i appreciate it.
you know i do.
i promise to treat you better once i get my act together.


'if only things were a little different;
maybe we could have been...'

quit playing games?
just what are you doing?
you know how i feel.
stop doing this to me.
you make me go crazy
because you know i can't possess you.
please...
take it all with you and run away from me...


'take a spike;
stake my heart before the sun goes down'

i feel broken.
the sight of it all.
it crushed me.
the pain i hide inside.
it feels heavy on my shoulders.
someone tranquilize me.
numb the pain.
trade this wretched soul of mine.
i don't even care how.
you used me.
staked my heart.
my blood on your hands.
you laugh at it all.
and i lay here dying...


'i don't believe in love;
and yet i keep coming back for more

stop this hypocrisy;
kill me

cover me with sedatives;
one pill and i will feel fine'

breathe in slowly now..
inhale and watch me bleed..
for you my one and only..
darling,don't lie to me..
don't mind me,
i am only dying...

"best friends can never be lovers"

somehow,for some reason,i am wishing that is not true..

Aiden's new album 'Knives' is out.
Go get it.
I already have.
Albeit illegally
hehs.

she is cute,hot and beautiful.
she goes to the mosque every week with her family
she is smart and the only person i know in RP
who makes the effort to read 6th Ps.
and above all,she is beautiful inside and outside.
too bad...
she's attached...

your voice when you talk to me.
you disapprove everything i do.
you look at me with disappointment.
and yet you wonder why i do not talk to you on a daily basis.
we have nothing to talk about dad.
we have nothing in common.
not when you keep disagreeing with me.
it's not me who needs a waking up dad.
it's you.
open your eyes and deflate your ego.
be a hero.
even if it's for a day...

a fucking failure..
i would like to sincerely apologise to khai for my behaviour after the trials earlier.
it's not that i am jealous of you for making the team.
in fact,as your good friend,i am glad and proud you made it to the team man.
you deserve it.it's what you've always wanted.
but i was just too disappointed and angry at myself for being a failure.
i'm sorry i did not congratulate you proper man.
i'll make it up to you..



'and they keep saying:
thanks for being there for me.thanks for understanding me.
but i keep whispering:
what about...
me?...'

and so the time has come.
we finally took a bow.
said our goodbyes.
ever unlikely to see each other again.
do i feel sad?
sure a bit.
i am definitely gonna miss them.
no matter how fucked up some of them can be.
but i know i'll always be around for sani,adli,ilyas and mannan.
these were the people i was and still am,close to.
reminiscing the times five of us had,it was good times..
a special thanks to mr ong.
whose guidance helped us to where we are today.
i am thankful to God for blessing me with the bestest friends a guy could have.
and i'm not just talking about the ones mentioned above.
due to the ceremony,i had to skip school.
my classmates already knew i was not coming.
and i had a few well-wishers like norani and afiq.
but khai and faizal,the ones i trust most in rp,are not in my class.
and seeing that i wasn't online,they made the effort to call me.
to check on me.
how cool is that?
i am glad i met them during orientation.
anyway,we headed to causeway point for a while after the ceremony.
and who did i bumped to?
shida.
yes mann and sani,i am talking about that year 2 chick from my school
that i talked to for a while tadi.haha
like the first time i saw her when we had lunch in school together the other day,
she looked lovely..
we said hi and exchanged a few words and that was it.
but she caught my eye and she's stuck in my mind.
too bad...
she's attached...



'acap,you're cursed.
unlucky.suay.damned.
- mannan'

to give up trying...



'Is this where you let go?
Is this where you walk away from lies?
Away from lies...

Is this where I let go!
Is this where I get by on my own now!
I'm on my own...
Am I breaking up?
Is there something wrong here?
Somethings wrong!'

Labels: staying away from trouble.

why i liked you so much back then.
just seeing and talking to you again
makes it all come back..
your eyes..
your lips..
your laugh..
your pinches..
the way you move..
the way you frown when thinking..
the jokes..
the fun we had..
the memories..
you probably don't feel the same way,
but i miss all of that..
you probably don't feel the same way,
but..
i..
miss...
you....


'I know I'm not there to hold you
Look up see the sky that I do
You make me the happiest of men.. '

Labels: close your eyes..

hello,my name is stupid,
and i came from the moon.
take my heart;you can keep it,
and play me like a fool...




'OH NOOOOO!!!!
THIS SHIP IS QUICKLY SINKING!!!!
WE'RE GONNA TAKE CONTROLLLL!!!
TAKE CONTROLLLL!!!!!!!
- Bless The Fall'

that there's nothing left for me.
i see it everywhere.
happy faces.
without a care in the world.
is that what love is?
is that why people keep coming back for more?
then someone tell me why,
all i feel is betrayal,pain and sorrow
deep inside?...

A joke.
A laughing stock.
That's all i am.
A joke to everyone.
A joke.
That's all i know.
Joke.
A bloody,stupid joke.
That's all i ever will be.
Joke.
Joke.
Joke.
How stupid can i be?
I make the same mistake over and over again.
I make the same wrong choices over and over again.
And now...
i.am.a.joke.

p.s. thanks irni
for trying to help
i appreciate your concern :)
but my situation can't be helped...

This longing i struggle to suppress
The war for the rights that i will never own
A losing battle for the freedom to conquer
Walking on to the forbidden destination
Alone and afraid
With the light at the end growing dimmer

Shadows of doubt building up
The red sky crying with blood
Shouting out in protest
For the injustice of her taste
The dark nightmare that
will never cease to bring
misleading peace

I keep noticing girls who keep going back to relationships,
to guys,
who obviously don't deserve them.
These are the same guys that hurt them in the first place.
Hurt being,in some cases,emotionally,
and in other cases,physically.
In some particular instances,even both.
I wonder what do they see?
Do they enjoy getting hurt again and again?
'Poisonous toads won't/can't change its spots'
Ever heard that saying?
Its the same thing with these guys.
If they've hurt you once,they'll hurt you again.
So get over it.
OPEN YOUR EYES
AND WAKE THE FUCK UP!!

p.s. and if you think the blog song is mindless screaming
think again you fucking ignorant.
it takes skill to play that kind of guitar riffs.
hear those double bass beating away?
not many people can play that.
certainly not you.
THIS is real music.
Not your fucking jonas brothers
or britney spears and shit.

p.p.s. yes i'm pissed off at something.
i'm just using music as my outlet,my victim.
but i stand by what i said above.

'Not all knights in shining armor can make your dreams come true
He's not quite as charming as he may seem' -Alesana

it is about 335 AM.
i'm still awake.
why?
i can tell you why.
but then,
it would complicate things.
because i know what i'm feeling right now
is
WRONG.

'maybe i should run away and never turn back.
but will you take my hand and run with me?
no you will not.
because you already have a hand to hold on to.
and its not mine...'

once again,
i sacrificed my own well being
for the sake of my friends.
am i complaining?
no,of course not.
my friends come first before my own self.

anyway,
work was eventful.
eventful in the sense that
there were many chicks today.
some which i might have been interested in.
but there was this particular chick that both me and Ari were attracted to.
i didn't tell him though.
why?
cause he came to me asking for help.
asking me to help him get her number for him.
so what did i do?
i helped.
did she gave him her number?
yes,she did.
where does that leave me?
nowhere.
do i care?
no.
even though it happens almost every week.

'what is it about you that is so enthralling?
why won't i tell you what is going on?
cause it won't be fair to you and him...'


to quote In Fear and Faith in their song 'Live Love Die' :-

OH MY GODDDD!!!!
SOMETHING"S GONE TERRIBLY WRONNNNGGGG!!!

man these guys just make me feel like headbanging.

Labels: sacrifices

that familiar feeling of downfall.
i am telling white lies again to avoid telling the truth.
i do not want to be the reason why.
sure it hurts.
but it will hurt more if i let this continue.
time to accept that nothing good will come from this.
not for me anyway.
but as your friend,
i will be here.
till the end...

p.s a smart,beautiful friend of mine said this
'its a moment of pleasure...and a lifetime of pain and regret.'
say what you want,
but that is why,
i do not believe in love...

i am swimming in dangerous water.
if i get caught,if the beans are spilled,
i.am.a.dead.man.
sure,technically,i am not doing anything wrong.
and neither is she.
but the thing inside me is screaming to let it out.
and she keeps baiting.
i am doing all i can to resist biting.
she is after all,someone else's rights.
rights that i probably will never own.
but i can't stand by and watch her drown.
because at the end of the day,
where are you when she needs you?....


'i don't want to be in the middle.
i want to be at the front.
i want to.....'