a lunatic's lament

why is it coming back now?

its 1245 in the afternoon.
and i actually just woke up.
i'm taking some time off to update the events of the past couple of days.
here's what happened.
last friday,at about 6pm my great-grandmother passed away.
she was 90.
she's my dad's granny.
she's a malaysian and lives in a kampung.
my dad was a malaysian and used to live there.
so the family rushed to go back to pay her a last visit.
the drive there usually takes about 6-7 hours.
but my dad and two uncles was speeding throughout as my grandmother
was anxious to reach as fast as possible.
to cut a long story short,it was my longest two days ever.
i finally reached back home at 3am on sunday.

so exams are coming but here i am,
typing away..
i couldn't sleep last night.
so i stayed up messaging a couple of people.
like irni for instance.
i hope i didnt disrupt your school work
and did you get you power nap?
hahas
i didnt sahur.
no appetite to be honest.
during my sleepless night,i discovered a few things.
i discovered that
feelings i thought i had long buried
came flooding back to me.
disappointement,hope,sadness.
yep,the usual gang were still there.
i thought i had moved on.
but apparently,i've been lying to myself.
there's nothing i can do about the situation though.
i've lost a long time ago.
i never really had a chance anyway.
i was a fool who thought i could make her happy.
so its time i accept the fact
and get over it.
she never accepted me back then,
she won't now.
not that i'm blaming her.
its not her fault.never is.
i'm just not good enough.

anyway,riddle me this:

'why is it so difficult,
and sometimes tricky?'

there's no right answer to it.
its up to you to translate what it means.

-acap-

Labels: let me feel you and carry you higher